Dear Computer,
Someone emailed me this bunch of questions this morning. After I finished answering them, I realized that maybe things aren't as safe as I thought here in the bunker so I've decided to take the week off for a road trip to find that perfect little bomb shelter out in the mid-west somewhere.
I'll let you know if I find it!
Ciao!
Vera
'Bush's Illegal War' Questionnaire
Please answer as many of the following questions as you can, and as many
with a straight face as possible. Please answer quickly as you already have
all of the answers.
1. Since George W. Bush is evil, and thought by some to be far more
dangerous than Saddam Hessian, could you please list the instances you are
aware of where George W. Bush has ordered the murder, torture and rape of
American citizens, like yourself, who oppose his presidency.
Well, I think congress should approve the type of Patriot act which allows
for illegal searches and seizures of everyone and find out what happens!
George Bush is not evil, so I'm sure that when all our rights are taken
away, he'll do what's right to make us happy and secure.
2. Could you list any sites of mass graves of American citizens ordered to
be killed by the Bush administration?
Why no, but we can always hope.
3. Further, could you please list the instances you are aware of when George
W. Bush has ordered the murder of members of his own family.
Again, there's that niece in Florida. Again, we can only hope.
4. Do you feel that Saddam Hessian possessed no weapons he was specifically
forbidden to have by the UN; for example, the Scud missiles he fired into
Kuwait during the first two weeks of the war?
I was channeling the spirit of Uday Hussein the other day and all I could
get out of him was that he used to refer to a part of his body as a weapon
of mass destruction.
5. How do you think Saddam was able to fire weapons that he didn't have?
Now you're getting personal. No, I think the United States should forcibly
disarm every government on the face of the earth. And we should do it NOW,
before congress notices.
6. Are inspectors inspectors, or are inspectors detectives?
Well, when we eliminate congress, we can eliminate the inspectors. And
anyone else we don't like.
7. How many more months would you have given Saddam Hessian to comply with
the 17 UN resolutions, passed over 12 years?
If it were up to me, we'd have blasted Iraq, Iran, Syria, North Korea and a
few treasonous liberals by now. Bush is a sissy.
8. If you owned an apartment building, for how many months would you allow a
tenant to defy you to kick him out for not paying the rent he owes?
I think I'd have to kill him.
9. If the UN, and the previous administration, were convinced Saddam Hessian
had weapons of mass destruction, and used that as a basis for their actions
against Iraq, how do those reasons evaporate when applied by the Bush
administration?
Oh gosh, I don't know. Maybe something to do with the molecules escaping or
the liquid reaching a certain temperature. This is a trick question.
10. If the Bush administration, led by the evil GWB, lied about weapons of
mass destruction in order to go to war, why haven't we found any WMD
secretly planted by the Bush administration?
America has The big bomb. Honest. I read about it. It's nuclear. In
fact, we have more than just one. We can blow up the world. There ain't
no pissant anywhere in the world that can take that away from George W.
Bush. God bless America.
11. If you feel it would be too difficult to plant WMD in Iraq, because
there are too many people watching, such that no one can do anything sneaky
in Iraq, then why can't we find Saddam?
Ironically, if we just let him be, we'd know where he was.
12. Do you disagree with the statement..."The weapons of mass destruction
used in the 9/11 attacks were box-cutters"?
No, it's true. Which means I support the NRA. Guns don't kill people, box
cutters do!
13. Do you think finding an airplane fuselage in a terrorist training camp
in northern Iraq means terrorists were practicing hijackings? If not, for
what purpose do you think they were using the airplane?
Why would anyone want to train in nothern Iraq, when they can train in
Alabama? Some people lack a certain amount of gray matter, if you know what
I mean.
14. Knowing what little you may know about spy satellites, what do you think
Iraq was hiding using the tunnel-digging equipment they bought from the
French some 5 years ago?
Everything I know about spy satellites, I make up. I think the tunnels lead
to Cheney's bunker where Saddam Hussein is staying until October 2004 when
we find him.
15. Why do you think Iraq had a 'Higher Committee for Monitoring the
Inspection Teams' headed by his Vice-President, and his son Qusay?
Because calling it a Lower Committeee for Monitoring the Inspection Teams
would sound like there might be tunnels or something.
16. The fact that Iraq trained experts to foil UN weapons inspectors is
documented not just by U.S. intelligence organizations, but by those of many
other countries. Why do you think Iraq needed to use these tactics, if
George W. Bush is lying?
George Bush never lies.
17. In 1995, Iraq admitted it had biological weapons. They declared they
had, for example, 8500 liters of anthrax. Where did they all go? If Iraq
destroyed them, why would there be any need for more UN resolutions after
that?
I know as much about anthrax as I do about satellites, so I'm guessing that
all the anthrax was bottled as powdered formula and sent to third world
countries in Africa to help combat the spread of AIDS.
18. When do you think Iraq abandoned their existing Weapons of Mass
Destruction program? What do you think was their motivation for abandoning
it- the 17th time the UN said 'pretty please', or the fact that it was
spending too much money that could used for social programs to improve the
lives of Iraqi citizens?
Money that could have been used for social programs to improve the lives of
Iraqi citizens...well, thank goodness for Americans who are sacrificing
their own social programs to impove the lives of Iraqi citizens, that's all
I have to say.
19. Do you think the bio-weapons lab vehicles found in Iraq were being used
as lunch wagons, or as mobile auto detail trucks?
Yes, they were lunch wagons.
20. If a terrorist organization attacked America tomorrow by spraying
anthrax over a large city, would you blame George W. Bush for not doing
enough?
Yes. For one thing, he could boot his friend Tom Hicks in the ass for
monopolizing the radio waves. If anything ever happened, we'd be listening
to the sounds of Ludicris on nine hundred Clear Channel radio stations
instead of service messages, like which store is still stocked up on duct
tape.
21. Would Hillary?
Hillary who?
22. How many minutes after the attack do you think it would take for Hillary
to appear on CNN?
Hillary who?
23. If an illegal U.S. president declares an illegal war, wouldn't the two
cancel each other out?
Only if there were big nuclear weapons involved.
Bonus Question: Do you think O.J. killed Ron and Nicole, or was the victim
of a massive conspiracy to plant evidence by many separate divisions of the
LAPD?
Rich guys should be able kill anyone they want.
