Dear Computer,

So ten days ago, the center of the Chukhotka Oligarchs, Michael Khordorkovsky, gets put in jail by Vladimir Putin and today I'm selling little Putin voodoo dolls made by a factory in the PRC but paid for by the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym Women's Auxiliary.

The ladies would really like Putin to drop dead.

Putin's membership in the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym has been revoked as well. Obviously, he's missed the importance to our members of globalization and of democratization, not to mention privatization, catch phrases our marketers here at the gym use in place of the words "land grab."

Dear Computer,

Some Republicans around here are always hatching plots, but now I've discovered that there's something else they've hatched.

When you think of it, this Son of Republicans is being raised by parents who hate Muslims, who pretend to be making the United States more secure by putting Uday and Qusay's dead bodies on national television, who accuse liberals of being treasonous, who refuse to pay for pre-school programs for the poor, and who don't seem to be bothered by rampant looting on Wall Street.

But they do for the most part accept Christ as their savior, which I suppose is a good thing.

Dear Computer,

A poster appeared mysteriously on the bulletin board outside the weight training room. It shows Howard Dean as Satan. He's a millionaire like the rest of the guys around here, which squares him pretty well with everyone, but on the other hand, he's a little scary.

For one thing, what happens to everybody's government contracts if this guy's elected?

It's too horrible to even think about.

Dear Computer,

Some guys have just too much money.

Out of the blue, this guy takes a billion dollars out of his wallet and proceeds to buy the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym bathrooms. He's already made back his investment, as desperate millionaires are more than happy to pay the one hundred thousand dollars for their very own bathroom pass.

But there's more...he has his eyes on the bathrooms at the Council on Foreign Relations for which, unbelievably, he's fielding his very own army.

It's already being billed as "The War of the Toilets". But you'll never hear about it on the news. Nothing that happens here in the Bunker ever makes the news.