Elena Steier, Cartoonist

Vera Borisovna recently began working as a hat check girl at the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym. As you know, the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym is part of the underground complex known as "The Shadow Government", or as the people who are members there refer to it, "Cheney's Bunker" or just "The Bunker". Previously, she had been waitressing at her parents' West Hartford Restaurant, Le Metropol. Known more for its money laundering than for its supposedly Russian Cuisine, Le Metropol closed shop when Vera's grandmother drowned in the Borscht under very mysterious circumstances.

November 2

Dear Computer,

Former President George Bush plays for the Washington Pistols. The big Defense Contractor The Carlyle Group sponsors the team. Whenever they play, the entire Bush clan fills the stands, rooting and cheering.

It's hard to think what would happen if Peace ever breaks out in the world and contractors like Carlyle are put out of business. The Bush clan might not be able to afford membership in the Tri-Lateral Commission gym if that ever happened.

That's why they keep fielding presidents, I guess.

October 31

Dear Computer,

All the talk around here is about what kind of a monster Vladimir Putin must be to put Michael Khordarkovsky, the center for the Chukhotka Oligarch basketball team, behind bars.

I think it should be a lesson for the CEO's in our country. Someday we may have a president who decides to actually enforce the law and bring a few crooked corporate types to justice. Since there are so many, he could just pick and choose, like you do at a buffet.

October 29

Dear Computer,

All the media heads can be found assembled on one exercise bicycle exactly at five a.m. every morning, sweating, and arguing about the editorial content of that day's news programming.

So if you're channel surfing, and wondering why you can't seem to run away from the Laci Peterson story, or why it seems your television is burning 24/7 the same as California, now you know why.

October 28

Dear Computer,

I don't know who let the alien in, but he was a really cheeky fellow who jumped up on the counter and promptly announced not just the privatization of the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym, but of the entire earth.

He called it "Galaxification." Specifically, to help our Earth ease into the new economic paradigms of the fifty seven hundredth century, there would be a bidding process among the Humongular corporations of the Horsehead Nebula in which all Earth owned concerns would be transfered over to new ownership. In return, the Earth would get a commensurate number of graftos, which can be redeemed at most Finigular institutions throughout the Milky Way.

He then applauded himself and jumped off the counter. Before any of John Ashcroft's goons got a chance to slap him in irons, he had vanished down one of the numerous corridors leading to the gym.

It kind of makes you wonder. What kind of Homeland Security do we have in this country, if we can't even keep one stupid alien out of one stupid gym?

October 27

Dear Computer,

Patriotism means never having to say you're sorry.

Someday, when Iraq comes to its senses and accepts Jesus as its savior, and the original intent of the constitution as the word of Law, then we can call this whole War on Terror thing off and go home.

It may take a while, though.