Elena Steier, Cartoonist

Vera Borisovna recently began working as a hat check girl at the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym. As you know, the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym is part of the underground complex known as "The Shadow Government", or as the people who are members there refer to it, "Cheney's Bunker" or just "The Bunker". Previously, she had been waitressing at her parents' West Hartford Restaurant, Le Metropol. Known more for its money laundering than for its supposedly Russian Cuisine, Le Metropol closed shop when Vera's grandmother drowned in the Borscht under very mysterious circumstances.

October 26

I got hold of a bunch of twelve inch dolls from the American Patriot Collection. They all come with these cute little things they say whenever you pull a little cord in the back. Here they are:

Donald Rumsfeld, who says, "General Boykin is just voicing his Good Christian opinion about godless Muslim scum. It's a free country. No big whup."

Dick Cheney, who says. "Yes I'm getting stock options from a company that's gouging the American taxpayer on the importation of gasoline in Iraq, so what?"

Rodney Paige, who says, "So, we made up the whole Houston education miracle thing, saying the forty per cent drop out rate was covered up due to a computer glitch in the maintenance department. It can still work nationwide, praise the Lord."

Robert Novak, who says, "Valerie Plame is CIA, nyah nyah nyah."

George Tenet who says, "WE told those jerks at the NSC that all the information on Iraqi WMD was fifteen years old."

Pat Robertson who says, "Nuke the State Department! Kill the Supreme Court! Bring back Charles Taylor!"

John Ashcroft who says, "Bring in Pat Robertson on charges of inciting terrorism? Are you joking? Would the government give his Samaritan's Purse Organization $300,000 if he were a terrorist? Praise the Lord!"

Antonin Scalia who says, "Bring back the original intent of the constitution! God, they really knew law back then, a time when men were men and black men were boys."

Rush Limbaugh, who says, "Ditto."

Bill Donaldson, who says, "Eliot Spitzer, the weasel, he should mind his own business and let the SEC do something about corporate corruption in a few years, maybe."

Last but not least, George W. Bush who says, "The first step in becoming dictator of The United States is by amassing debt, encouraging cronyism and squashing civil liberties just like existing third world countries. May God Bless the new America."

October 24

Dear Computer,

During those times of particularly negative publicity, the help at the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym are visited by Dick Cheney.

"Repeat after me," he says, while waving a little gold coin on a chain, "Halliburton loves America. Dick Cheney loves America. No matter how many no bid contracts might be out there, or stock options, or conflicts of interest, Halliburton and Dick Cheney love America."

Of course, the bad news today was that Halliburton seems to be gouging the American taxpayer on the price of the gasoline it's importing into Iraq.

"Dick Cheney loves America."

Whatever.

October 24

Dear Computer,

Believe it or not, the U.S. Military occasionally brings Al Qaeda guys here to the gym.

As everybody knows, some Muslim clerics working at Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay are accused of spying. Someone came up with the bright idea of giving Al Qaeda alternative and completely spy-proof spiritual guidance in the form of Billy Bob Malouknohands. He's a Houston Preacher with a popular Public Access Television Show called "Jesus Smackdown" which features an gosh honest wrestling match every Sunday between a guy dressed as Jesus and someone to whom Reverand Billy Bob affectionately refers as "Raghead Mohammed." I guess maybe because his last name sounds kind of Arabic, the military guys figured they might fool some of the Al Qaeda guys into thinking that Billy Bob might actually be preaching from the Koran or something, seeing as none of the Al Qaeda guys knows English. So every so often, these Arab guys in chains are brought in by a retinue of armed military personnel for a session with Reverend Billy Bob.

The Reverend is really something to see. He does his shtick for an hour, shouting about Jesus and crying "Amen" a hundred times. Meanwhile, the Camp X-Ray prisoners sit politely in the bleachers of Tri-Lateral Commission gymnasium.

Here's kind of a funny aside. Once they took the prisoners to the rowing machines and they started to panic. I guess they figured the machines for some sort of mechanisms of torture. The plan was to let the prisoners use the machines, but after about twenty minutes of debate, the trainers couldn't figure out how to keep the prisoner in their chains while rowing. So the military guys marched them all out back to Camp X-Ray.

While he was walking past the hat check area, one of the guys slipped me a note. It said "Tell my wife I love her," or so Bernard Lewis told me when I showed it to him before he made me eat it. I really hate that guy.

October 22

Dear Computer,

God. I couldn't believe it, there in the corner of the weight room, were Bill Gates, Richard Parsons, Michael Eisner, Jeffrey Imelt and the Washington Lobbyettes...in other words, the super rock band, The Media Oligarchs. They played all their best hits: "Osama Rama Ding Dong," "Where did all the Stories Go?," "Laci in the Sky with Peterson," "Arnie," "You Never Give me Your Money", "Material Boy," and "Stop, in the name of Terror," among others.

On the one hand, it was cool. On the other hand, you know, I've heard it all before.

October 20

Dear Computer,

Sigh.