October 3 Dear Computer, One of the trainers here jokingly asked Condoleezza Rice if she could give him a no bid Iraqi Contract to build Bernie Bibbers Gym and Training Centers in Bagdad. That he was dissing our altruistic motives for war pissed her off. She told him "Look, by going into Iraq, our country reinforced values common to the entire world." "Condi," he says, "The only thing getting reinforced in Iraq is Halliburton's bottom line." When Bernie was fired, they told him the reason was that he failed to reinforce Condi Rice's bottom line.

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October 2, 2003

Dear Computer,

I hate Thursdays. Everybody around here hates Thursdays.

Tom Hicks has put together what must rank right up there with the Strawberries as the worst band in the history of rock and roll. He sets them up in a corner of the weight room and subjects anyone stupid enough to have forgotten to stay away to three hours of a sound not unlike a screeching truck running over a row of whoopie cushions.

The name of the band is Free Market Forces.

Hicks apparently has some master plan to promote the band on all 900 plus of his Clear Channel radio stations with subliminal messages and thinly veiled threats. In short, anyone who does not get on the Free Market Forces Bandwagon will be labeled a liberal and condemned to the walk the United States as one of the un-American for all eternity.

Around here, everyone hopes he succeeds. We'd much rather Free Market Forces played Shea Stadium than the Bunker. Trust me.

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October 1, 2003

Dear Computer,

Robert Novak was feeling pretty much in the dumps when he walked in this morning, on account of all the publicity surrounding his July 14 column, in which he divulged the secret identity of CIA agent X-9 of the Weapons of Mass Destruction Detail.

David Horowitz knew just how he felt, having himself been part of exposing CIA secrets back when he was a rabid Marxist.

"Come on, guys," David shouted, "Let's all give out the identites of CIA operatives and make Robert feel part of one big family!" Then to make his point, David turned to the wife of Sheik Ray Ban bin Bob of the House of Baud. "Here's Agent 42-B of the Sex trade detail."

David then turned to a certain senator and all hell broke loose.

A lot of operatives were outed. A few fights broke out. A small nuclear altercation was narrowly averted. But it was all worth it just to see the smile back on Robert's face.

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September 30, 2003 Dear Computer, Today James Roche paid a bunch of his buddies from the Vinnell Corporation to play a game of floor hockey. Some of them forgot to leave their Kalashnikovs with me, so I had to run all the way downstairs to the gym, then haul their crap back to the storage closet. After I put everything away, I borrowed a magic marker and wrote a little sign on a piece of paper that read "Park your small arms here." Well, okay, I learned prettty quick that a girl wearing a miniskirt in a gym full of horny mercenaries should think through her phrasing a little better.

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September 29, 2003 Dear Computer, Well, the inevitable finally happened today. Frank Carlucci and Donald Rumsfeld decided to wrestle, the way they did when they were young bucks at Princeton over fifty years ago. It was horrible. No one could figure out quite where the Carlucci began and the Rumsfeld ended. They had become like one mass of geriatric flesh writhing on the mat. After about forty-five minutes of trying to separate them, the trainer gave up and let my friend Maya wedge them apart with a spatula.

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September 28, 2003

Dear Computer,

Even as Vladimir Putin and George W. Bush stood shoulder to shoulder at Camp David and warned the two extant axis of evilers to forego nuclear weaponry, the buzzer went off for the big basketball game in the Tri-Lateral Commission gym.

It was the Chukhotka Oligarchs against the Houston Kingmakers.

I'll tell you truthfully, billionaires can't play basketball worth you-know-what. Watching Richard Mellon Scaife trying to stuff Roman Abramovich looks more like the WWF than the NBA. But afterwards, everyone has a big old party and the vodka flows like water. The rich and powerful are just like the rest of us. Sometimes, they just want to get drunk before carving up countries into individual spheres of influence. Sometimes they just need a basketball game to let off enought steam so they don't kill each other while doing so.

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September 27, 2003

Dear Computer,

TGIF!

I've learned more about Dick Cheney today than I ever cared to know. It's not that he just took off his head, but he took off his entire outfit then strutted around the gym like some freak from a Japanese monster movie.

I've been hearing some kind of rumor that Cheney's company, Halliburton, sold warheads to a Canadian guy training guards from the United Emirates in Roswell, New Mexico.

Halliburton is the same company in charge of maintenance at Los Alamos.

It's a good thing I'm working The Bunker, that's all I've got to say.

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September 26, 2003 Dear Computer, Here's the prototype for the new Commander in Chief Doll. It's top secret, so don't let anyone know you've seen it. I guess Fox Network is going to be carrying an animated show called "The Good Christian Soldier Bush" starting in the fall of 2004. I guess it's a long term project, ending with the Rapture and the End of Times in the Spring of 2011. The final episode shows a lot of dead Jews which I don't think is very good for children, but what do I know, I'm just a simple Hat Check girl.

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