Dear Computer,

George Soros has been measuring out the gym in anticipation of a successful hostile takeover.

I hear he's planning on spending a lot of money to acquire not only the gym, but the entire Bunker.

I wonder if he cuts his own hair, like Warren Buffet and Bill Gates?

Dear Computer,

Abe Foxman comes in to purge the Bunker computers of all anti-semitic references every so often.

You'd think that when Ann Coulter wrote a diatribe against the Democratic candidates revealing their Jewish roots, that Foxman would delete it. But no.

For people like Foxman, Hate is okay when it's politically expedient. He's backing the Bush ticket, so Coulter's okay, even though her views echo the tone of Hitler's Brownshirts.

I read somewhere that the Jews were big fans of Der Sturmer when it first came out. What's that saying about not learning from history...

Dear Computer,

Warren Buffet's Wednesday "Yoga for the Elect" class is pretty popular. His best student is Bill Gates who considers Warren not only to be a guru, but a friend. The two cut each other's hair and each fills the other's tank at the Bunker's only gas station.

Today, Warren was showing Bill the proper way to pose an insurance policy to look like a loan. "You can't keep this position for too long," Warren said. Bill, however, wasn't much listening. He was far too excited at the prospect of being able to hug himself with his very own legs.

The wise old man sighed. "You have much to learn, Grasshopper."

Dear Computer,

The packs of cigarettes which get sold in Germany have big labels on them saying "Smoking will kill you dead" and "Smoking will cause Cancer to spread painfully and terminally through your body". No one cares. People smoke everywhere.

Then along comes Michael Moore, a fat, unhealthy slob raised on good old American beef hormones and irradiated fruits who rants and raves against smoking to German audiences.

Naturally, a brand of cigarette called "Michael Moore Death Smokes" is currently being test marketed here in the Bunker. It's doing very well and everyone's pretty confident that it's going to be a big favorite all over Europe when it hits the shelves there sometime next year.