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September 25, 2003

Dear Computer,

One of the owners of the gym has started a toy company. He came in today and handed me a box with a doll in it. He plans on selling a lot of them, a lot more than that president doll all decked out in Air Force gear, or so he told me.

This doll was kind of scary. It just popped right out of the box and a dozen media outlets covered the event. How the heck did they even know he was there?

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September 24, 2003

Dear Computer,

Pug Winokur got some good natured ribbing about Bush's speech. Between selling arms and trading Bosnian kids for sex, his company, Dyncorp, did just about everything Bush said was bad.

Recently, Winokur's been coming to the gym to play squash with Van Honeycutt, James Roche and David J. Lesar. I guess the big topic of conversation today was how to get the media to do some favorable coverage of Iraq. Lesar, for one, has enough trouble just keeping his company, Halliburton, looking above board and squeaky clean. If only the vice president of the United States didn't have those darn deferred payments from the company making everything seem so dishonest. Dyncorp, of course, is training the Iraqi police. If something good doesn't hurry up and happen in Iraq, boy, people might say, gee, Dyncorp isn't giving us our multi-million dollars worth.

So I was listening to these guys talking when Roche brought up producing a show called "Cops on the Dirty Streets of Baghdad". He suggested following a suicide bomber or what not while the Iraqi cops nab him and defuse the bomb. I guess the point was so the American public could like say well, we're spending a lot of money on another country, but at least there's some real entertainment value there.

Then those guys all started talking about the American Muslims in the military who were just arrested for espionage. Honeycutt suggested they make sure the guys are shipped off to Egypt where the outsourcing of prison facilities includes thumbscrews and cattle prods.

Well, I'll let you in on a big secret. When those guys play squash, every single one of them cheats.

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September 23, 2003

Dear Computer,

Today, Ted Stevens and Robert Byrd came in to ride the cycles.

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September 22, 2003

Dear Computer,

I can't believe I am actually blogging! This is a dream come true!

As you know, the Tri-Lateral Commission Gym is part of the underground complex known as "The Shadow Government", or as we like to refer to it, "Cheney's Bunker" or just "The Bunker". Uncle Sasha managed to finagle me this job through one of the Lukoil guys he hangs out with in New York City. They own Getty Oil or something, so they're pretty rich.

Today was my first day on the job and let me tell you, I was really intimidated. The guy who trained me was none other than Henry Kissinger. That's right, THE Henry Kissinger. He runs the place along with his friends Richard Mellon Scaife and Jackson Stephens. Everybody's so rich! You can just smell the money.

Henry showed me the chair I'm supposed to sit on when the clients arrive. For a place just oozing with cash, you'd think they could have bought something padded. Oh well, I shouldn't complain. I expect the tips are pretty good.

Not too many people came in today. Just Elaine Chao and Olympia Snow for an aerobics class, and then a few Japanese guys for Tae Bo. Someone left a CIA manual with me and then forgot to pick it up. I ended up reading it out of sheer boredom. At this rate, if I work here long enough, I'll turn into a walking talking encyclopedia on illegal arms sales, drug running and screwing over American sponsored dictators who rub the president the wrong way.

After work, one of the cafeteria waitresses introduced herself to me. Her name is Maya and she's really sweet. We went out for drinks. It turns out she's Russian, too! Her parents own the garage where they buried Jimmy Hoffa. No lie. There's like a little plate on the floor where the cement with his body happens to be. She told me I could visit some day, but I have to watch out for her Uncle Mischa.